~ Why shouldn't you do math around wild jungle animals?
If you add four plus four, you get ate!
~ What did the tree say to the lumberjack?
~ Why was the jester thrown in jail?
For high teasin'!
~ What do you get when two marsupials duel?
Trial by wombat.
~ What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
~ What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
~ What does a pickle say when it wants to play cards?
"Dill me in!"
~What did one red blood cell say to another?
"All this work is in vein!"
~A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate's leg and asked, "How did you get that?"
The pirate said, "Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg."
The sailor pointed to the pirate's hook and asked, "How did you get that?"
The pirate said: "Aye, I fought Red Beard's crew and lost me hand."
The sailor pointed to the pirate's eye patch and asked, "How did you get that?"
The pirate said, "Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye."
The sailor said, "That's not as impressive as the other two..."
"Aye," the pirate answered. "It was me first day with the hook."
And my personal favorite:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak kept getting colder and colder. For warmth, they built a fire, but the blaze burned a hole in the hull. They sank, proving you can'y have your kayak and heat it, too.